Transformation Tools: Harm of Not Keeping One's own Boundaries
Transformation Tools is a series of writings written by folks who have harmed others. These are tools they have developed while transforming the behaviors and societal factors that contributed to those harms. Their hard-won and freely offered wisdom is shared here anonymously, but with the writer’s full consent.
I have done a lot of harm in my life during times when I was extended way past my own boundaries or limits. I used to think that my limits didn’t matter as much as someone else’s limits in terms of preventing harm, but through the years I have learned that how we treat ourselves affects how we treat others. I am better able to meet other people’s boundaries with respect if my boundaries are also being respected, and in order for my boundaries to be respected I have to note them in myself and express them to others. So for me, respecting boundaries and being better at consent start with assessing my own boundaries and then taking those learnings into how I interact with other people and their boundaries. Here are some concrete ways I have learned to respect boundaries and desires, both my own and others, in authentic caring ways.
Reflecting
It’s not just what you’ve done, but also what you could've done better. Reflect on moments in your past when you wanted to say no, but didn’t. Why didn’t you say no? Reflect on the causes of those decisions. For myself, though it was largely unconscious, I realized that western gender norms inform men (myself) that they are sexual, or hypersexual, which translates to sexually available. This equation of Cis-men and hypersexuality is present across the cultural, sexual and gender spectrum. By this logic,, to be a man, is to say yes to sex, along with unwanted sexual experiences. Ask yourself, when did I say yes when in my heart I wanted to say no? What was stopping me? What can I say next time to communicate my needs safely?
Having Courage
Courage is only courage in the face of fear. Courage is the active overcoming of fear. You might be tempted to think of David and Goliath, but courage is not facing off against insurmountable odds, but also courage by virtue of the truth. Not just the power to face the powerful, but a courage-towards-truth, towards risk, towards vulnerability, the courage to be afraid, the courage of confession. People are rarely courageous in a crowd. Muster up the courage to be transparent about and communicate about what makes you feel uncomfortable. Speak from your heart. Stick to I statements. Expressing boundaries can be scary. If you’ve already been intimate with a partner, letting them know a regular occurrence in your sex life is no longer or has never been mutually beneficial, can be understandably alarming. Consider that your deserving of personal sexual boundaries is essential to consensual sexual interactions. If you fall short of communicating your own boundaries, it is unfair to the other person. They did not sign up for causing you harm.
Getting more verbal
I have often found it tough to assert my own boundaries, especially in non-verbal ways and especially when I was just learning how to assess my own desires and boundaries. So I asked my partners and loved ones to begin relying more heavily on verbal consent in their interactions with me. By needing to verbalize desires and boundaries all the time, even in small interactions, I got practiced at expressing those things in situations that felt more difficult. It also eliminated a lot of situations where I was guessing what the non-verbal communication was supposed to mean, or unsure how to express a boundary for myself non-verbally.
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, I’ve learned that it takes a lot of time and effort to practice our own boundaries but that by doing so we improve our abilities to look for, ask for, and react to other people’s boundaries. Conversely, in exploring my boundaries I have learned not to get into the practice of minimizing my own pain because this has taught me to minimize the pain of others. What we teach ourselves about ourselves affects how we treat others.
