Transformation Tools: Unlearning The Abuse of Power
Transformation Tools is a series of writings written by folks who have harmed others. These are tools they have developed while transforming the behaviors and societal factors that contributed to those harms. Their hard-won and freely offered wisdom is shared here anonymously, but with the writer’s full consent.
When I was in my early 20's I was in a situation where I was supervising and teaching a person who, while of consenting age, was far younger than me and under my purview to some extent. Below are some of the concrete questions and thought processes I use in order to help me not use my power or status to gain sexual relationships.
Secrecy
I learned that if I have to tell someone not to tell others about our relationship that is probably a sign that consent hasn’t been navigated as well as I would like. Of course, there have been times where keeping a relationship from others is essential to the safety of someone involved, or a relationship benefits from a low profile, however, I have found that if I feel it would damage my reputation, social capital, or get me in trouble in some way if others discovered my relationship, it needs a deeper thought.
I usually start by asking myself why I don’t want the relationship to be public. I think try to think through the consequences of making the relationship public and attempt to separate what might cause me harm to what might be a consequences of a harmful choice. For example, I may keep a queer relationship more private because I feel fear that due to my surroundings my relationship could put me in physical danger, but that is different from feeling fear that a relationship with my employee might put me in danger of being fired.
Community Checks
Sometimes when I ask myself these questions, I found it was easy for me to turn consequences into something that meant I would be harmed and therefore justify the secrecy. So in addition to thinking through these questions myself, I added another task: talking to a friend.
By asking a trusted friend to examine the situation and assess if my fear is based in a fear of harm towards myself or fear of having to face the consequences of my choice and to look for power inequities that I may have missed.
In the years since I caused that harm, I have found that these questions are really helpful in navigating the world and relationships, especially the ones that involve a power imbalance. It is my hope that by sharing them here, other folks might find them useful too.
