Transformation Tools: Giving and Receiving “No”
Transformation Tools is a series of writings written by folks who have harmed others. These are tools they have developed while transforming the behaviors and societal factors that contributed to those harms. Their hard-won and freely offered wisdom is shared here anonymously, but with the writer’s full consent.
I haven’t always been great about creating space for anyone to say no to a request, whether that be myself or others. This has led me to cause a lot of harm and for me to specifically engage in behavior that is coercive. I have learned that there are a few things I can do that will help make sure I am making space for both giving and getting a “No”. This goes beyond just the usual advice of checking in often for consent, because if we aren’t making space for “no” to be a valid response then no matter how many times we ask, we can still be coercing people. I hope these suggestions help people make more space for “No”.
Respecting Agency
When asking something of another person, ask yourself: “How can I ask this question in such a way that gives the other person as much agency as possible to say no?” Practice this when asking questions. Consider your environment, and consider it deeply. Is the person you’re asking relying on you in some way? Housing? Shelter? Food? Finance? Emotional support? Do you have social, political, or economic power over them? Are you their manager, or their employer? How do these pressures factor into their response? If you’re unsure how these factors are working in your relationship, have a conversation about it. Consider the difference between:
Would it be ok if I gave you a backrub?
Would you enjoy/ could you use/ a backrub?
I’m going to give you a backrub.
Instance (1) is a request to give something to someone. It comes from desire from the subject to do something to someone else. Instance (2) is a question if they would like one, and (3) informs someone that they are about to receive one. Ask yourself which question would be easiest to say no to, and why? Which is best practice? What is the difference between A & B? Which do you really mean to ask? Are you trying to fulfill your own desire to care for others, or offering a service to someone else?
Giving an Out
It is important to also offer a way to say no that feels good. One idea is to offer an alternative. This works for yourself when you are assessing your own desires and boundaries as well as with others. The most common example is the cookie test. Would you like to have a back rub from me at my place or we could go get cookies? This way the person knows there is already an option other than getting a back rub and if they want the back rub they want it more than cookies. I like to go one step further and add “Would you like a back rub from me at my place or we could go get cookies or we could part ways?” I like to offer a third option which allows the person to disengage from me entirely and know that that option is ok. I try to fit these alternatives to the person and situation
This also works really well for assessing my own desires. “Do I want to get a back rub or would I rather have cookies?” by internally giving myself an option, even if the other person doesn’t I allow myself an escape valve from whatever pressures (real or imagined) might be on the initial question, and thus more accurately assess my own desires.
Receiving No’s
To manifest a safe environment you must get into the practice of hearing and receiving no’s. One method is to say, “I celebrate your No’s!” whenever you are turned down. The assurance that someone says yes, and does so purely from their heart, is a beautiful thing. If someone felt No in their heart and said yes, it is damaging to us as well. I feel safer when my partner clearly communicates a No, and it makes the Yes’s that much more meaningful. I want to know and feel reassured that when my partner says yes, it is because they sincerely desire to say yes, not because of outside factors.
